Wise children know that quantifying things can sometimes improve the situation:
Me: I am so confused I don’t even know how confused I am!!
Child: Want me to guess?
Me: [pause] Um, sure.
Child: A trillion and a hundred!
Me: Yes! Exactly! How did you know?!
Looking for new and unusual ways your child can scare the bejeebers out of you? Buy her some new soap crayons then leave the bathroom for a minute. Much cheaper and more time efficient than watching Amityville Horror:
Even if you’re an anti-Disney, anti-princess sort of mom, trying to raise a strong, independent daughter, sometimes the urge to let her play princess is irresistible:
“Mom, pretend I’m Ariel, and I listen to all your words, and I’m always helpful.”
flying shoe does not equal shooing fly!
If you wish to see footwear thrown, sing the song, “Shoo, Fly, Don’t Bother Me,” in front of your four year-old.
Always get all your ducks in a row — even (especially) when you are in a crappy place.
Some friends are more compliant than other friends, and conversation is overrated.
Parenthood requires an honest reframing of one’s spiritual beliefs. Nirvana is reached in that brief moment when the dirty clothes hamper and clean clothes laundry basket are both empty. Nirvana is short-lived, if not unattainable.
It is wise to sort out major career, parenting, and mortality issues early on:
Me: What do you think you’ll be when you grow up?
Child (nearly four years old): A ballerina and a mama.
Me: How many children will you have?
Me: Boys and girls, or just girls.
Child: Just girls. [long pause] I will die before my children.
Child: I think I will just be a ballerina and not a mama.
Explain to your three year-old before you arrive at the party that the phrase, “party pooper,” has nothing to do with actual feces.
Kazoos were invented by the devil, and are distributed to children by advocates of filicide.