Always get all your ducks in a row — even (especially) when you are in a crappy place.
Parenthood requires an honest reframing of one’s spiritual beliefs. Nirvana is reached in that brief moment when the dirty clothes hamper and clean clothes laundry basket are both empty. Nirvana is short-lived, if not unattainable.
Explain to your three year-old before you arrive at the party that the phrase, “party pooper,” has nothing to do with actual feces.
Kazoos were invented by the devil, and are distributed to children by advocates of filicide.
Before reprimanding your child, it is wise to clarify her intentions:
Me: Please don’t whine at me.
Child: I wasn’t whining at you. I was yelling at you!
When you are three, and you haven’t had a nap, and you don’t like bubbles in the bath, this constitutes bubbles, and crying is necessary.